Makin' a comeback!

Soooo......I have only posted twice on this blog, and then I took a REALLY long hiatus. Now, I'm making a comeback! (I hope?) I have been pretty down in the dumps the last month or so, as far as my state of mind is concerned. I have been seeing a counselor again for the last couple of months, and doing this work has been a lot harder than I had anticipated. When I first started going to counseling again back in October, I felt really motivated to give it my all. My counselor gave me some writing assignments, and I did them every night for the first couple of weeks. I felt like I was finally climbing out of the valley that I had been stuck in. Then, I found out that I was pregnant. We were actually trying, but it usually takes us at least a few months to get pregnant. This time I got pregnant within a month. I was so excited, and felt such a sense of euphoria about the pregnancy that I almost wanted to quit counseling, because I felt like I was doing so well. Then, the "morning" sickness kicked in. With both of my last two pregnancies I lost 20 lbs. from being so sick. I was doing pretty well mentally at the beginning of the pregnancy, but the more sick I became the less motivated I was to do anything around my house. I am a very all or nothing type of person, so my house is either perfect or quite disastrous. I discovered that the state of my house and my motivation level start to affect my self worth. I feel that so much of my worth comes from the type of wife, mother, and homemaker that I am. So... when I am not cleaning, cooking or doing anything productive it makes me feel worthless. The main reason that I didn't want to do these things was because I didn't feel good. I began to take Zofran, an anti-nausea medicine, and started to feel a lot better but my mood and lack of motivation didn't really improve. I felt pretty depressed. A sink full of dishes seemed like an insurmountable task. I was able to entertain and take care of my kids needs, but that is about it. On the days where I was out of the house, I felt a lot better emotionally, but it wasn't enough to keep me from hitting those lows as soon as I got home. I started to find myself daydreaming about suicide. It sounded like such a relaxing alternative to the pressures of laundry, bathrooms, dishes, and cooking. I would imagine myself slitting my wrists in the bathtub, and finally being at peace. I knew these weren't rational thoughts, and I had no intention of acting on them, but the fact that I kept having them was really beginning to scare me. Some new memories had surfaced during counseling of abuse that had taken place when I was very small, and they were very difficult memories to deal with. I guess sometimes death seemed an easier task than wading through the pain that came with uncovering new horrors in my past. I finally told my counselor that I was feeling very depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I DON'T WANT to kill myself!! My unborn baby and my children are the most important thing to me! I don't think anyone but God, and possibly(haha)my husband could love them the way I do. That is why these thoughts were so scary to me. I told my doctor, and he prescribed a prescription for anti-depressants. I went and filled the prescription that same day, but I haven't started taking them yet. Just getting that prescription made me feel so much better. The last two weeks have been such a huge relief. I feel like I am starting to become my motivated self again. My mom gave me some Lavender essential oil to use, and that actually seems to be really helping. It also just helps that I told a few people, so now I don't feel so isolated in my own thoughts. I haven't had ONE suicidal thought since the day I got the prescription! I had counseling today, and I feel like I had a major breakthrough. My counselor did a visualization exercise with me that really seemed to make a difference in how I have been feeling. She had me visual myself going down into a dungeon in a castle, and finding my five year old self there. She had me rescue her, and make a safe place for her. Then she had me ask that girl how it felt to finally have her emotional needs finally taken care of. She had me write with my non-dominant hand on a piece of paper, and respond the way that I felt my five year old self would. It was a very eye opening experience. She/I wrote that I would have done anything to be loved and that it felt so good to finally have that loving feeling so genuinely and purely reciprocated. (Not in those words, pretty advanced for a five year old.) She felt that safety and protection equals happiness. I put her in a safe place, my heart, and she will be there forever. I feel so empowered and productive to finally help myself at a time where, I see now, I was helpless!! Breakthroughs and high hills are the best! Hope they keep coming my way, cause I needs me a comeback!!