Telling my Secret

I didn't really tell anyone else that I had been sexually abused until I was in the ninth grade. I had told my mom, and she didn't have the response that I had hoped for. I also told my cousin, but we didn't talk about the abuse very often, until we got a little older. When I was in ninth grade, I told my best friend about the abuse, and swore her to secrecy. Gradually throughout high school, I told some of my closest girl friends. All of my friends were very supportive of me and all the emotions that I went through. None of them ever told any adults about my secret. Finally, during my senior year in high school, I told my sister-in-law about being sexually abused. She acted pretty calm during our talk, and asked a lot of questions. I told her most of what I could remember, and asked her not to tell anyone. She, of course, was actually very surprised and upset and told my brother right away. He came over to my house, and asked me some questions. He apologized for not protecting me, or knowing about the abuse when I was young. That made me so sad, because he is such a wonderful brother!! I was very good at keeping the abuse a secret, so there was NO reason for him to feel like he hadn't protected me. He asked me if I wanted to move in with him and his family. At first, I really wanted to, because it would get me away from my stepfather. I didn't end up moving, because it was the middle of my senior year in high school and I had a lot of freedoms living in my mom's home. She didn't give me a curfew, and I didn't have to ask permission to really do anything. I just kind of told her my plans, and would do whatever I wanted. If  I was going to do something that I knew she wouldn't approve of, then I would just lie and she wouldn't question me. I knew that my brother and sister-in-law cared enough, and were responsible enough to set some boundaries for my behavior if I lived in their home. I didn't want that at the time. After that, my brother spoke with my mom and told her that I had said that my step-dad had molested me while I was growing up. My mom came to me crying, and asked me why I had never told her about the abuse. I was shocked! I told her that I had come to her several different times, and that she hadn't done anything. She said that she didn't know anything about it, and that she NEVER remembered me telling her anything to that effect. I described the instances that I had come to her in detail, and she said that she didn't remember any of them. Then, she begged me not to go live with my brother. She talked about how my biological father had never been a part of my life, so I was the only child out of her six that she had never had to share with anyone. I was her baby, and hers alone. She said that if I left her alone in the house with my step-dad and my little sister, she would feel truly alone. She said that they had a special bond, and she felt left out. I don't know if she really felt this way, or if she was trying to guilt me into staying to save face with my brother. If I stayed in their home....it must mean that we were a somewhat normal family. I don't know what she was really thinking or feeling, but I knew I didn't want to abandon her. One day my step-dad came to me, and said that we needed to talk. He said that my mom had come to him, and told him that I was upset over some things that he had done to me when I was little. We were all alone in the house, and I felt very uncomfortable. He told me that he had come into my room a few times when I was beginning to develop breasts, and touched them under my shirt. He said that he was very sorry, and that he had done it out of pure curiosity. He said that he had never done it to anyone else. He said that he thought I was asleep, so he didn't think that I would know, remember, or be hurt by it. I didn't really know what to say or do. He was crying, and kept apologizing. It was one of the most awkward situations that I've ever experienced. I told him that I remembered him making me touch his penis when we sleeping at the cabin once. He said that he did not remember that, and that he didn't think that he had done that. He asked me if I would forgive him, and I said yes. We hugged, and I went to my room. I felt totally overwhelmed and confused!! My mom came in later, and said that she was glad that I had forgiven my step-dad. Now, she said that she felt we could put all of this behind us and be a normal family. She asked me not to tell anyone else, because this was our family's business. I had not put it behind me at all, I had just never really dealt with it. I am not a confrontational person, and I basically just wanted to avoid these serious conversations. I did not feel that forgiveness, resolution, honesty, or answers had come from the interaction with my step-father. So, I went back to being the lead singer in a band called, The Pretenders.